Writing Atrophy

“Collect all of your reasons
‘Cause it’s changing like the seasons
And there’s something in the way
Always something in the way”
– “Better Late Than Never” by almost monday

Back in late June I decided to take a break from writing. More importantly I took a break from my GrapPro project.

I wrote 310 articles for GrapPro in less than two years. Almost everything I wrote was over 1,000 words and commonly 2,000 words or more. I don’t know if I got burned out from it but I definitely felt like I hit a wall.

A large part of it was my general disinterest in pro wrestling compared to years prior. I took a bit of a break from watching wrestling and watched my first full show last week for the AEW Grand Slam Mexico. I enjoyed the show but I can’t say I completely paid attention. I also skipped out on the Maple Leaf Pro tapings last weekend when I had it off. I just don’t have the energy to sit that long, or worse, stand that long. More on that later.

I did however watch the free show they did in downtown Windsor and I enjoyed that. I still love pro wrestling as a storytelling medium. I still talk about it pretty much every day. If I catch the fever again I’ll re-start GrapPro and get to it. But like I said. I didn’t just take a break from talking pro wrestling.

I took a break from writing.

After I put GrapPro on hiatus I didn’t write anything about the NHL. I didn’t do any journal entries. I only posted about the Sweatdown because it’s the one consistent thing in my life. But there was no other writing projects on my plate. I said to myself I wanted to do more creative writing but for the month of July? Nothing.

The only writing I did was on a train back to Windsor and it was in a notebook. Handwriting. After two pages I had a cramp.

That’s what happens when your ability to write atrophies. I used to get cramps when I wrote in a journal but I could usually get four to five pages before that happened.

That’s also what’s happening after taking over a month from writing off. The muscle needs to be worked. There’s a little muscle memory. That’s why I’m able to just spit out this train of consciousness from my head about the situation.

It’s always been hard to sit down and focus. It’s why I take ADHD medication. What nobody really tells you is that ADHD medication doesn’t fix the drive. It helps you to compartmentalize better. It helps you sort the windows tabs in your head. But it isn’t going to actually drive you to your seat to write. You still have to build that muscle yourself.

It’s always going to be easier to do absolutely anything other than the one thing I want to do more than anything. The thing I’ve been fighting for 20 years. For 20 years I’ve been wanting to write more and write something significant and yet here I am just wasting time online, wasting time playing Balatro, wasting away. And now my lower back is fucked.

I talked about it in Golden Year. Waking up in the morning has been hell. I’m in a lot of pain, more than I’ve ever really been for waking up. It wasn’t gradual. At age 39 I woke up fine in the morning. And then… the lower disc bulge. The nerve damage. The arthritis. All just came from likely sitting at work incorrectly.

Now the one thing I want to do more than anything that I’ve spent so much time not doing because I had to get my ADHD figured out? Now I can’t just do it for hours. It literally fucks me up sitting for too long. And then I take a break from writing so now I don’t have that desire to keep GrapPro going or to write about a subject each week.

It’s a lot easier to just do anything else. More than ever.

Funny enough I’m in a similar situation I was in back in June of last year.

Honestly, reading it back? I’m doing a lot better physically. I talked about not beating myself up about mental exhaustion and that’s something I still struggle with. I had two weeks off recently and I had a checklist made. It had 23 things to do for my days off. I got 19 of them done. 19! And I still was annoyed about it. Mostly because there’s a few I didn’t get done that I’ve been telling myself to do all year.

One is go fishing. Another is writing.

I also didn’t go to the gym as many times as I had planned to but I also, in the month of July, went to the gym more times than any other time this year. I’m closer to double digit gym visits than ever before. I might break it in August. But I still failed to go the amount of times I told myself to.

Not clearing that checklist hurts me. I hate letting myself down. I should be proud for even getting 19 of them done. But it’s never enough.

That battle between not doing enough, being happy with what you’ve done, taking a break, and taking too much of a break? It’s still there. It might be there forever.

But at least I got a journal entry done?

Yes.

Fuck.

I’m happy I got this out. This will be over 1,000 words when I’m done much like I did with GrapPro and my goal is to do another tomorrow. I don’t know what it’ll be about. It might not be published. I might do some creative writing finally and try to get that muscle going. I also just need to read more. That was one of the things not checkmarked. Maybe I should re-read Neuromancer before the show comes out?

I should also end it on a good note. While I didn’t get all I wanted to do this summer (I wanted to travel to Montreal but my dad’s birthday got delayed to the weekend I was going to go, and then my money from income tax quickly disappeared) I have had a pretty good summer. Like I said, I’m working out more. I still have weight to lose but I’m feeling better. I have a lot of pain in the morning but less during the day. I purchased a new bicycle I am very happy about. I can’t even remember the last new bicycle I had. I’ve been always buying used. It rides like a dream and I love it. I’ve gone to the beach a bunch of times which is nice. I’ve seen friends and family.

It’s a good summer! It also isn’t over. There’s basically two more months. It’s hard even at 41 to get your mindset fixed that end of August isn’t end of Summer, no matter what people claim is “meteorological autumn” oh shut up it’s still summer weather in September. September 21 we can talk about end of summer. And even then? It’s still camping season baby.

Anyway, if you read this? Hope it didn’t waste your time. I wouldn’t want that on my conscious too. It’s bad enough to waste my own time…

Photo from Eko in Windsor, Ontario, Canada on August 2, 2026