Journal
Autumn Blues
This was a bunch of tweets I made early morning on the 15th of October. I deleted most of the tweets to post them here instead.
Wish I could walk without pain. I miss the riverside.
Before the winter rolls around I just want to take a walk or a bike ride, in the brisk breeze, think about life then forget about it.
It’s 1:30AM and while I’m tired I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want anything right now and that’s a bit of a problem.
I think I started this year right, got derailed and never got back on the track. I wonder what it’ll take to get there.
I think of the people I would see all the time and got tired of at times and how much I miss them. I think of how close I am to 30.
I consider my mistakes, my excuses, my wasted days. I wonder if I got depressed and didn’t know it? I wonder if it’s inspiration.
Every day I think about how I always feared the idea of becoming wasted potential, and how I get closer to that every day.
That fear is crippling. Some of it ADHD. Most of it my own fear. It’s hard to convince a woman you’re worth the effort when you are in fear.
I’ve always said I do not fear failure or success. That’s still true. I fear completion. I fear being done. I fear the index.
I should goto sleep. I want to take a walk. Fractured ankle makes that tough. Maybe I’ll just sit outside.
I didn’t go outside. Not for long anyway. Despite my foot feeling fine for most of the day, right now it’s sore.
I worry if this is the first piece of me falling apart.
