Fog of War With Myself
I haven’t really written anything since January. It wasn’t by choice. Believe me. It’s never by choice.
In the past I’ve discussed my struggles with ADHD and being creative. It has got to the point where I couldn’t even write about pro wrestling. I could discuss it. Oh boy I can tweet anything. But when it came to making any point beyond a couple sentences I can’t hold onto a thought.
Worse was just the struggle to get myself to sit down and write something at my computer. Every time I sit in front of a computer now it’s like my brain is refusing to accept me doing anything here. It’s worse than just a mental block. Even right now as I try to write my thoughts it’s like my mind’s fight or flight is malfunctioning. There’s actually an uneasiness in my stomach right now that didn’t exist before I opened up this blog.
That’s how hard it is for me now. I know why too.
Earlier this year my father had to get surgery to remove cancer. I’m sure you can expect what sort of mental and psychological lifting it would take to continue working through that. I really should have taken time off work during it but I never encountered a situation like it. My father was in considerable pain because during this fucking pandemic they had twice sent him home too early. They also didn’t have him on proper anti inflammatory medication. He’s home now and recovering, just needs his strength back.
Because of his surgery I decided to get a full check up finally. I had held it off due to the pandemic (usually I go every year for one). After my tests I found out I had a B12 deficiency that was bad enough that I would need to get monthly B12 shots. That’s when I spoke to my nurse practitioner about it.
It turns out that brain fog is a common symptom of B12 deficiency. Poor memory, concentration issues, time loss. If pernicious anemia comes due to a serious deficiency it can lead to dementia. While I haven’t dealt with the other symptoms (hair loss? Nope. Loss of appetite? I wish.) it’s likely that my ADHD and B12 deficiency are working hand in hand and that’s why the issue has become amplified in recent months.
I have had two months of B12 shots and while it’s not something where I suddenly feel creative and productive and all of that, I certainly feel much better than I used to. A bit less is on my shoulders as well mentally.
Like I mentioned earlier, even just sitting down to write this has me mentally fraying. It’s like being asked to do something you don’t want to do, even though you do. Like a friend asking you to get their leg out of a snare trap. The more I write the more my brain snaps and sparks in protest for what I’m doing. It’s this feeling that’s keeps me away from doing this. It’s this feeling that’s keeping me away from doing something I want to do.
I’m going to have to spend this summer in my office (I got a new desk in hopes that changing up my environment would help. Tempered glass looks nice until the heat of your wrists has fogged it all up) trying to get myself back into writing. It might be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Trust me. I know it won’t look good.
Some people have fear that what they write isn’t going to look good so they don’t write. I don’t have that fear. That’s not being cocky. I know my writing can always improve. Especially right now. I know when I re-read this it’ll probably read like shit to me (Editor Note: Reads like shit.) I’ll still publish because right now more than anything I need to get these thoughts out. I need my brain to stop thinking I’m doing something wrong when I do this. I need this fog to clear.
The hardest thing about this to express for me is the fact this isn’t entirely in my hands. I want to take responsibility for my own failures. Knowing it’s my ADHD and a B12 deficiency doesn’t make me feel better. I would feel better if I was just a disappointment. Instead I have to accept some of this is out of my control. I don’t like to admit something isn’t in my control. I like to believe this is my choice. I put something out in the chaos of the world and that chaos decides how it’ll be accepted. If I’m putting nothing out that’s on me.
I’ve struggled with the fact that since I was a teenager I was told I had the potential to accomplish great things if I just applied myself. I’m now 18 years removed from being 18-years-old and having to fight with the fog of war with myself and would rather they be proved right that I just didn’t apply myself enough instead of accepting a cognitive issue I’ll be fighting for the rest of my life.
It has taken me four and a half months to write something for my own blog. Fuck this fog. Fuck this B12 deficiency. Fuck my ADHD. Fuck cancer. Fuck the pandemic. Fuck potential. Fuck feeling useless. Fuck exhaustion. Fuck it all.
I’ll fight this war with myself to the bitter end.